The Protein Shake

I bet the majority of you know where I'm going with this just from the title. You probably read it and immediately harsh and violent memories entered your mind. Almost every semi-athletic male has gone to the gym before, to get their swell on, and after (and sometimes before) has indulged in a protein shake. Hey if your gonna be breaking your balls in the gym for 2 hours, you mine as well get the most out of your workout (Brady Quinn's workout isn't over until he has one see link). There are many kinds and brands (Fucking Muscle Milk bro!) that are concocted with amino acids and various other nutrients to really maximize your workout and help you out, but there is one side effect noticeably missing from the bottle. I call it "The protein shake shit" (a chill just went down my spine).

Okay here's the situation. Your just getting back in to your workout routine and have not had a protein shake in a long while. So the first time back you figure, oh I've had protein shakes before there wont be any side effects. WRONG! Your next shit is going to be an absolute battlefield, like WWIII. Bombs will fly, pain and explosions are immanent. I am no doctor or scientist so I really don't know why the shake causes such massive intestinal confusion, but trust me it does. There is actually another side effect that is complementary to the PSS, its the PSF (protein shake fart). Their fucking deadly. I've read studies conducted by Uranus University and their have been at least 27 reported girlfriend deaths due to PSF's. God only knows how many more go unreported.

Now I'll tell my most recent encounter with the PSS. So recently I have been getting back to my workout routine after a long break due to injury(aka laziness). So one morning I wake up 5am, slam a protein shake and jump on the PATH to my office gym to get my swell on before work. What a big mistake. It takes around an hour to get to my office and no place to shit in between. Even before I got on the PATH I was already fully percolated and the gas pains were intense. Now I'm hunched over in immense pain and massive sweating like , I know this is going to be bad. As I get closer and closer to my destination the pain comes and goes, but at some points I actually thought I was going to shit all over myself.

Random Poo Facts about Senor Diaz

1. The first time and only time I can remember, although there might be more of me defecating on myself was when I was sick in the 3rd grade. I attempted to do a jumping jack at home and as my arms fell so did everything else out of my bowels. It was a sad day to be my underwear and pants. My friend's a sad day indeed.

2. I like to do the business in the nude sometimes. Yeah, that’s right. I take it back old school. I strip down and begin to use el bano in the nude. It’s relaxing, refreshing, and natural. Judge me I say Judge me.

3. I have shitted every color besides your light ones i.e. pink,purple,turquoise, probably any blue there could have been a blue one but I don’t remember. I have shitted black, various greens, browns, oranges, and red is the scariest trust me. Actually black is pretty scary too but red that is some emotionally scarring shit.
Literally.

4. I believe I have categorized 4 shit types. Regular Razors Edge Slider Water….. Regular goes without saying. Razors Edge is that sharp shit that cuts your booty hole. Slider again goes without saying but I’ll say it... shit slides right out of ya. Water to me is the nasty of the nasties. There’s nothing like shitting plain water or not really plain water but you get the picture.

5. Best for last. As I was having sex with a lady of the evening, I was hitting it from the back and I couldn’t get it up so she ended up blowing me. As I went home I realized that my shirt had been covered in fecal matter. Bitch took a dump on my chest. I just paid for a Cleveland steamer.