About the Creators

Jack "Porcelain Crusher" Berg
When he is not destroying bathrooms elsewhere, Jack resides at the University of Miami. Once considered to be a hindrance, Jack has embraced his lactose intolerance with open arms, and lots of baby wipes. He is going to be a pilot in the greatest Air Force in the world, his only concern pooping at 36,000 Feet. He won Mr. Universe and the Nathans hot dog eating contest in the same year. He is known as a mountain guide in the wildernerness of West Milford where he fought off a drunk naked teenager with a pillow and a cot. He has won the prestigious "rookie of the year" two years in a row at Club Weems. He regularly dines with Sean Connery and Bruce Willis.

G "That doesn't smell like mud" Money
Coming from a long line of destructive doodie makers, Gary is a legacy learner. He has inherited skills through DNA that most would kill for, posers have trained for years to try and duplicate his poo prowess and failed. They don't teach what he knows. He is currently a coach at a northeast college and when he isn't blowing up bathrooms he builds houses for the homeless, finds cures for constipation, and visits the nations capital, because he is that patriotic. Some of his notable achievements include being the 12-time World Champion of the annual Lavalette Bocce Tournament. He is also considered to be a Crabs Claw alcohol connoisseur and an asamble in the wine world. He once kicked Arnold Shwartzenegger in the balls for eating his cannolli.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

The Protein Shake

I bet the majority of you know where I'm going with this just from the title. You probably read it and immediately harsh and violent memories entered your mind. Almost every semi-athletic male has gone to the gym before, to get their swell on, and after (and sometimes before) has indulged in a protein shake. Hey if your gonna be breaking your balls in the gym for 2 hours, you mine as well get the most out of your workout (Brady Quinn's workout isn't over until he has one see link). There are many kinds and brands (Fucking Muscle Milk bro!) that are concocted with amino acids and various other nutrients to really maximize your workout and help you out, but there is one side effect noticeably missing from the bottle. I call it "The protein shake shit" (a chill just went down my spine).

Okay here's the situation. Your just getting back in to your workout routine and have not had a protein shake in a long while. So the first time back you figure, oh I've had protein shakes before there wont be any side effects. WRONG! Your next shit is going to be an absolute battlefield, like WWIII. Bombs will fly, pain and explosions are immanent. I am no doctor or scientist so I really don't know why the shake causes such massive intestinal confusion, but trust me it does. There is actually another side effect that is complementary to the PSS, its the PSF (protein shake fart). Their fucking deadly. I've read studies conducted by Uranus University and their have been at least 27 reported girlfriend deaths due to PSF's. God only knows how many more go unreported.

Now I'll tell my most recent encounter with the PSS. So recently I have been getting back to my workout routine after a long break due to injury(aka laziness). So one morning I wake up 5am, slam a protein shake and jump on the PATH to my office gym to get my swell on before work. What a big mistake. It takes around an hour to get to my office and no place to shit in between. Even before I got on the PATH I was already fully percolated and the gas pains were intense. Now I'm hunched over in immense pain and massive sweating like , I know this is going to be bad. As I get closer and closer to my destination the pain comes and goes, but at some points I actually thought I was going to shit all over myself.




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