The Lingerer

First off, I would like to thank a fellow brother, JB, for the wake up call this morning. I had to get to work by 730 this morning and managed to turn off my alarm in my morning daze. Luckily, lately we have been swapping morning pooping insight and I got the story for the morning around 645 am. An excellent wake up call that saved my ass from being late.

Secondly, this morning I experienced "the restroom lingerer". Below our offices is the first floor bathroom, which contains only one shitter. I fear going down there every morning as I hold back the turtle trying to poke his head out that someone will be on my thrown I have grown to love at work. This morning, like most days, it was early enough that the can was free. I sat down to do the business as I here the bathroom door open. To let the guy know I was in there I throw out the basic fake "cough cough". Almost an alert to someone that you are there so they dont try busting in the door. Well the alert didn't work and he went for the stall door anyway so I told him I was in there.

I realize shortly after that the guy is lingering outside the stall waiting for me to finish up my dump. I thought, "you know what, this is my time. This is my morning dump and I refuse to be rushed." I figured he would linger for a minute and then leave, but he refused to go. So after a few minutes, yes I take long dumps in the morning, I decided to speak up. I said, "listen man this isn't going to be done anytime soon so you might want to go to another bathroom." Using very poor bathroom etiquette, he chose not to respond, gave out a big pissed off huff, and then left slamming the door behind him.

I went back to playing brickbreaker, finished out a few thoughts, and finished up.

I feel I made the right choice. I figure, I saved him the time of waiting and holding in a shit which we all know sucks and saved him from taking a dump after me which is probably an awful experience and of course does not smell like roses despite what I may tell you.

If you find a lingerer in the bathroom you are shitting in, speak up, let him know what's up, and if he doesn't appreciate it then screw him. Maybe one day he will realize how lucky he was that you spoke up and saved him from the traumatizing experience of taking a dump after you.

Have a great day,

G Money

Great Moments in History

1492- Columbus Sails to the New World

1482- Magellan travels around the world

1804- Lewis and Clark Explore the West

1953- Sir Edmund Hillary Climbs 29,029ft at Mt. Everest

1969- Armstrong and Aldrin land on the moon

2010-JB pinches a massive log 60 feet under the Atlantic Ocean

This weekend friends, was a glorious one. Whilst working (on a boat) I felt the familiar grumblings of the previous nights Ribs and PBR, their trapped souls trying to escape from my underbelly. Now, as a classically trained pirate I am very familiar with the sea, if you are not, I would like to bring you up to speed. Toilets on the high seas are small, on the cramped inside of a rolling boat. The smell of the person who shit before you, mixed with your own brand, mixed with a small closet, mixed with a small bowl, mixed with darkness, mixed with rolling boat- not to sound like a shit snob, but I try to hold it in.

On this day Gents I chose to break free and become one with the Ocean. Instead of the nightmare describe above, I threw on my scuba gear dove to the bottom of the ocean, took off my gear with just the air hose and dropped my draws. Yes folks, I was squatting on the bottom of the Atlantic, junk waving in the current, I felt all of the oceans creatures, all of their energy, their grace, and then I pinched a MASSIVE log. Now men, under the ocean, objects look 25% bigger, it looked like a shit an arm. The beauty of shitting under water is 3 fold: 1) The increased pressure means you barely have to push 2) The increased pressure causes the dookie to stick together an keep its shape 3) The natural current just flushes it away. I wish someone could have been video taking me down there laughing with my pants down as this huge log tumbled across the sandy bottom.

Does this put me on a level with the explorers listed above? Yea, I am a Man, and I shit on the bottom of the ocean.

- JB

Lesson Learned

Gents,

It has been a while since my last post. Through many conversation topics with several of our other followers, I have been able to come up with several topics that I will be sharing in the next few days.

First off, I would like to note that on a wonderful saturday morning this past weekend I was woken up by two picture messages from two fellow Everyday Men. The first of which portrayed a rare form of dump, "THE ICEBERG". A task only few have accomplished since the great ICEBERG of 1787. For those who do not know, it is a log that manages to float above and below the sea level of the toilet. Congrats to you GP on this amazing task.

The second was nothing knew, but still one to mention. JB woke up after a night of drinking and sent me some footage of his sneeze shit. Covering nearly every inch of the can, the sneeze shit can be disastrous on many levels, which brings to my first topic.

The "Sneeze Shit":

After dropping a sneeze shit recently, I stood up to wipe (yes at times I do stand, depends on my mood), and as I finished up I turned around to flush and noticed there was doody on the toilet seat on the back end. I was shocked at first. How did it get there? Was the sneeze snow powerful that it projected doody upwards along with all over the can? I did not know. Then the thoughts kicked in...was I sitting on that doody the whole time? Do I have doody on me from the bounce back effect of the sneeze? As I checked myself I was relieved to see I did not, but I realized I must be aware from now on during a sneeze shit.

Lesson Learned: Do not underestimate the power of a sneeze shit. Doody can go almost anywhere.

The Filthy Wipe:

After confronting JB about this, I was happy to discover I am not the only one who has had this experience. There are some dumps where you know there might not be much for the wipe. Sometimes it is a ghost shit and there is nothing, which is the heavyset mans dream because he doesn't have to bust a sweat during the wipe process. Then there is the Filthy Wipe. This is a result of the shit that is so nasty, and stinky that you know it is going to be the never ending wipe. An all around bad experience and no matter what you do, you never feel like your ass is clean.

Lesson Learned: If you are experience multiple Filthy Wipers then it is highly recommended by the "Council of Everyday Men that Poop" that you purchase either wipes for your home or a mini travel pack to take with you to the office or keep in your car.

G