A Lesson About Squatting In The Woods

I would like to revisit a story full of lessons about listening to your stomach/mind and doing your business in the right place.

On a chilly fall night, a family came across a roadside diner in the middle of nowhere. Hungry and tired from driving and craving homemade pies, the group pulled off the road to eat.

Lesson one: roadside diners and hole-in-the-wall eateries are the best places to eat.

The group ordered dinner, ate a great meal, and all were satisfied. Or so it appeared. Before taking the check, they realized there were homemade pie specials with vanilla ice cream on the side for dessert. Ignoring their full stomachs and lactose intolerance, the gentleman decided to go ahead with the pecan pie and ice cream special.

Lesson two: Homemade pies at roadside diners are delicious, but when in doubt listen to your lactose intolerance telling you that you have to get in the car and drive another 3 hours after you eat.

On the money! "Tastes like another one." The check was paid, they walked out satisfied. Back in the car, 5 minutes into the drive after dinner, the words spoken "the ice cream won't bother my stomach" quickly became BS. In the middle of the Virginia woods, the great one said, "pull over" in a firm tone.

Pulling down a dirt road in the woods, he jumped out of the car and disappeared into the woods with some TP. A few minutes went by and the family heard sprinting coming at the car from the dark woods. Scared shitless, pants wrapped around his ankles and trying to be pulled up, the man came running out of the woods back to the car.

What had scared this veteran pooper? Gun shots he claimed. As he pulled his pants up to get back in the car, the sniffs of the passengers brought suspicion upon the man. One foot almost on the car floor, they realized he had stepped in his own business in his scared state and sprint from the "gun shot".

Arriving at the hotel, walking in with only his bare feet, the family still in tears and at a loss of breath from the event, the memory was instilled in their minds forever and the Great One had once again set the bar high for achieving some of the greatest shit stories of all time.

Lessons for the day:

Homemade diners in the middle of the woods have the best pies and ice cream, listen to your lactose intolerance, squatting in the woods may not be your best option, if and when you do squat in the woods if you here "gun shots" make sure to step aside from your area of choice before taking your first step in your sprint for cover.

GM