Recently I visited an undisclosed military base in Texas for a full 3 days of getting poked, probed, and prodded in order to fly. As a recurring theme on this site, you never, EVER, mess with a man's cycle. Up at 4:30 in the morning to pee in a cup for drug test is really not the most comfortable thing for someone to do who usually wakes up ready to drop weight. So I wake up having to pee, and I say to myself, "Jack, you'll be able to pee just a little bit to fill a cup later, you are the master of your domain." So I pee, and go on about my duty day.
Crunch time comes around, a group of 5 of us are huddled into a bathroom so a person can watch us pee and make sure we aren't slipping anything in to the cup, fair enough. Normally I have terrible stage fright, but I was feeling confident in my abilities, once again, master of my domain. I was wrong. I couldn't pee. So, I exited the bathroom and chugged 2 bottles of water and a can of coke, I started to feel like I had to go, so I dragged the guy back into the bathroom, he chose a closer, smaller bathroom, about 5 x 5. I couldn't piss. People we starting to get annoyed as I was holding everyone else up. I kept feeling pressure to go but I would just fart and it would go away. Then it dawned on me, I had to shit.
I proceeded to find the monitor and ask him a simple enough question, "Hey man, I'm wearing my physical training uniform, I can't hide anything on me, I can pee but only if i take a dump, and you do not want to be in there for this."
**Side note** The night before I had eaten in San Antonio and had a HUGE cheese steak with peppers, onions, and pepper jack cheese.
The monitor checked with his boss, who apparently had no care for this poor guy. Next thing you know I'm walking into the closet size bathroom, monitor close behind, this poor guy had no idea what was about to hit him. So I sit down, he stands in the corner, 3 feet away from me, and reads a Men's Health. And that's when the bombs started falling. I had an explosion that would make the Japanese ask for another atomic bomb, I mean there was nothing quiet, calm, and nice about this monster. This POOR BASTARD stood there while I had a D-Day re-inactment 3 feet away from him. Quickly he grabbed for the Glade can but he was too late, the stench had already attacked him, he was done for. I quickly courtesy flushed, but I also was too late. The damage had been done. I filled up the cup and gave it to him, he swiftly evacuated with my hard work in his hand.
15 Minutes later I emerge from the bathroom, completely devoid of all fluids and solids. To all my class mates giving me a standing ovation. I had done it, I had peed in a cup. Go me. Regrettably I had ruined everything nice and holy about a poor civilian who, if I were him, would go home and shove jalapenos up my nose. This poor man took a full offensive assault from my colon, and lost. All in service for his country.
I leave you with this men, there are people in this world who might not have the most amazing jobs, people who put up with our assholes, the janitors who clean the back splatter on the bowl, the port-o-jon truck driver, and everyone who works at Taco Bell. Men, I ask you to keep these people in your hearts and minds as you go about destroying their workplace, for without them, we would not be able to really enjoy how terrible our shits really are.
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